If I Really Wanted To I Could

I did the "I Should" exercise yesterday. Today the exercise is to expand on those statements and instead of "I Should" use "If I Really Wanted To, I Could". Then you ask the tough question, "Why Haven't You?" Again, I'm typing out the question and answering it as I create this post.

If I really wanted to, I could be good with money and spend it only on things that are important and useful.

Why Haven't You?

I want to spend some money on things that bring me joy. Why should I deprive myself? It's too hard and nearly impossible to save money.

If I really wanted to, I could be happily married and have no conflicts with my spouse.

I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't want to be abandoned. Compromise is hard.

If I really wanted to, I could be thin and perfect.

It's never enough. I'll never be perfect enough. I try and I try, but I never can lose the weight.

If I really wanted to, I could have a perfectly clean house where there is no clutter.

I'd rather be doing something else. If I want it messy, it will be messy.

If I really wanted to, I could be a model employee who does everything perfectly, never takes time off and never makes mistakes.

I'm a pretty good employee and work hard. Mistakes happen but they scare me. I don't want to disappoint my boss or get into trouble.

If I really wanted to, I could always be happy, have no problems, never cry or feel angry and I must be perfect in order to be lovable.

I try but I never seem to get it right. I'm always screwing it up.

What strikes me immediately is how young I sound. Like a child that is helpless and scared. The "should" answers seem to parrot some outside authority, not my own beliefs or opinions. The programming started at an early age. According to the book, there should be some relief but I don't exactly feel relief. I think that some of the original "shoulds" aren't exactly horrible things to believe in (mindful of money use, healthy body, tidy home) but the beliefs behind them are twisted and not my own.

I've re-read my responses again and I can now hear the rational mature adult that is me. It's like there is a tug-of-war - me vs old programming. No wonder I feel confused all the time!

According to Louise, the problem should begin to shift. The process has been started of releasing the feelings of "being wrong" because they are not fitting someone else's standards. I hope this is true. I don't feel like skipping through a field of wildflowers feeling light and airy but certainly it is good to clarify some of the self-talk behind some of these beliefs.

I am incredibly hard on myself. I set impossible standards that set me up for failure time and again. My mother was this way. I think she set her own high standards as a distraction to whatever her demons were. And like mother, like daughter. I learned well.

I Should

I am doing an exercise from Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life". It's entitled "I Should". You are to write that on top of a piece of paper, write 5-6 ways to finish the sentence. Then ask "why?" after each one. Here are my answers:

I should be good with money and spend it only on things that are important and useful.

Why?

Because you may lose your job, house, family etc. and you will be prepared in case of emergency. And spending it on things that are not necessities is extravagant and wasteful.

I should be happily married and have no conflicts with my spouse.

Why?

Because to be married means you are valid, safe, happy and doing what is expected of you. You're supposed to be married and if you aren't there is something wrong with you.

I should be thin and perfect.

Why?

Because as a woman I am to look good for other people. It's healthy and if I'm fat I will die prematurely and painfully.

I should have a perfectly clean house where there is no clutter.

Why?

Because other people shouldn't see mess. Clean and orderly means you are clean and orderly. We must appear perfect to other people.

I should be a model employee who does everything perfectly, never takes time off and never makes mistakes.

Why?

Because I should not disappoint those in authority and who are paying me. I should be grateful I have a job at all.

I should always be happy, have no problems, never cry or feel angry and I must be perfect in order to be lovable.

Why?

Because I won't be a bother to anyone. I won't take up space, burden anyone with my problems, and I should be grateful I'm allowed to take up any space at all. In order to be loved and be acceptable, I must make everyone happy.


I wrote my responses to the "Why?" question as I wrote this entry and well, I'm a bit disturbed. These came from my upbringing, in one shape or another. I don't think some of these were told to me directly but this was what I learned growing up. This was the best I could do with what I had. And now, for 45 years, this has been the way I have lived my life. To say the least, I have made things rather difficult for myself.

It feels like an insurmountable task to take these beliefs and shift them to something that is true, positive and uplifting. A daunting task, to be sure. However I don't think I can avoid this anymore. I don't think I can have a life of contentment, joy and usefulness if these things are not addressed.

Can I do it. I have to. I don't think I have a choice anymore.