Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Past Vanishes

I am currently reading Wayne Dyer's "Your Sacred Self". I like him; his writings dovetail nicely with both the Law of Attraction and the philosophies of magick and Wicca. The first thing that has caught my attention is the concept of leaving behind your personal history.

To quote from page 4o: "Having a personal history keeps us from now. This is a radical idea perhaps, but I am asking you to consider the possibility of totally eradicating your personal history from your consciousness and simply living completely in the present moment." Mr. Dyer then goes on to say that this does not mean completely wiping your memories clean from your mind; instead decide to not be a product of your past and leave behind those stories that take us away from listening to our Inner Source. Those stories are the things that distract us, misguide us and waste energy and time.

Can I do this? I believe I can. You see, I have played the blame game. I have claimed the victim role. And it got me nowhere. For many years I have striven to find enlightenment and getting mired in my past slowed me down considerably. It was in my early thirties when I began to realize that I had to grow up and claim responsibility for my actions as an adult. By just this one decision, the past began to lose its potency, its power.

By achieving this I can focus on the present, the here, the now. That is all that exists. Now all possibilities are open to me, the Creator of my world.

The next step I have made is to make peace with that past. Now that it does not have that hold on me, those past stories have lost their bite and I can start to generate sympathy towards myself and those who are players in the stories of the past. Generating sympathy for myself has proven to be a very big opportunity for me; by opening that door it has shown me all that can be achieved, all that I can feel and experience. It must be done. Creation is at a standstill until I forgive myself.

The past now appears like an image in my rear view mirror, becoming smaller and eventually fading away.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Purr Purr

My boyfriend and I have adopted a new kitten which we have named Gimli, after the dwarf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He, his mother and several brothers and sisters were found on the doorstep of a nice lady who happens to have a history of rescuing cats. Through a forwarded email I received a couple of weeks ago I learned of this little family. Mick and I had been talking about adopting a new furry one; the timing was fortuitous. This past Sunday we met little Gimli and quickly lost our hearts.

With a new kitten comes great responsibility, Peter. Neither Mick or I have ever had a kitten that small (Gim is about 6 weeks old) so we have worried about his food and water intake, his litter box usage and his interactions with the other cats. Yes, there are other cats in this story. I have 2 other cats, Lily and Spike, who live and love with us and they are amazing and wonderful animals. However, most cats need time to adjust to a new comer and Lil and Spike are not exception.

So this week we have heard our fair share of hissing and growling. The old guys are a little put out about this fluffy new guy while Gimli is just trying to figure out what the heck is happening. He has quickly adjusted to our environment. He spent his first few days or so under my dresser; then one day we opened the door to the bedroom (where we were keeping Gim separated from the other guys) and lo and behold, the kitty is roaming around the room, meowing and wanting out. We have gradually increased his outside time and last night we decided to leave the bedroom door open. Today (fingers crossed) is Gimli's first day with full access to the apartment.

My friend Coryelle has been a tremendous help. She is a great woman and phenomenal animal communicator. One of her tips really helped; we rubbed Gimli with a dish towel and left it out where Spike and Lily were. That way they could get used to his scent at their own pace while not having to deal with him directly. I have taken classes from Coryelle and using the techniques she has taught revealed a bit about what I fear and how I deal with it.

Basically, I quiet my mind and "reach" out to a particular cat. I call them by name and ask to speak to them. For this situation, I was trying to prepare Lily and Spike for the incoming new guy, telling them that they were not being replaced and above all, that they were loved very very much. After Gimli's arrival I have tried to communicate with all of them, checking in on their feelings and what I can do to help the process. Not surprising I have found it difficult to concentrate and get a connection when I am stressed or scared. I have had to really face these fears (will I be able to care for them all, what if they get sick, what if they escape, what if they harm one another) and know I can handle them if the situation arises.

Lily, the most dominant, hisses at Gimli, though that is slowly diminishing. She allows me to pet her but she is not as affectionate as usual. Through my communications, Lily's main concern appears to be the preservation of the order of things. As long as the other cats know she is number 1, all is right with the world. Spike is a little more sensitive; he worries about getting less attention and getting lost in the shuffle. Both Mick and I continually speak to them, telling them we love them and stroking them whenever we can. I hate to put them through the stress. I am glad to be able to give an animal a home. We have a lot of love to give.

Gimli, bless his little soul, seems pretty adventurous. He loves to be held and his belly to be rubbed. The last few nights have found him sharing our bed, which scares us because of his size. We are so afraid of rolling over him that I don't think either one of us got much sleep. I placed him on his blanket about 4 times during the night, and each and every time he climbed back up onto the bed. Last night I placed a small cat bed among our pillows so that Gimli could have a relative safe place to sleep. He likes to lay where our heads are, which is a little safer than say, at our feet. I have debated on what to do because I think he really misses some kind of contact when he sleeps at night. He may have been separated from his mother a week or so too soon and I want him to be comforted and feel safe. So for now we are keeping this arrangement; we may, once he has a more cordial relationship with the other cats, be kept out of the bedroom.

I can't wait to come home tonight.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Writing My Autobiography

For the past 7-8 months I have been studying with Mary Browne, owner of Universal Pathways and a priestess in the Fellowship of Isis. It is a small class (one other person) and we meet once a month at Mary's lovely creation. I will be honest; I was not entirely sure what to expect when I signed up. All I knew was that I wanted to work with Mary. I had become familiar with her and Universal Pathways through HVPN. They sponsored day-long retreats at the center (which has several hundred acres and a house with a to-die-for library, beautiful temple area and plenty of comfortable places to meditate and just be) that were unbelievable. It was not the activities that made it a great experience; it was the lack of activities that allowed participants to revel in the center’s beauty and peace. But without Mary, it would not be the same.

When I first met Mary, I instantly felt good. At peace with myself. In the presence of a person who without hesitation would give you a nice warm hug and tell you that it was going to be okay. She has an air of quiet knowledge and power about her; it isn’t flashy or cast about to impress people. She just is. When I heard that she taught a Mystery School (or Goddess class, as it is casually called) I jumped at the chance to work with her.

The focus of the class is to awaken our sense of our own power and to seek assistance and inspiration from the Goddess. Mary likens the class to a pregnancy. It is 9 months long and with each trimester the experience gets more intense. At the first class she assigned a project that was due on the second to last class – our Autobiography. We are to read it to everyone in the class, without interruption. In the past some have lasted less than an hour, some have lasted 2 days. It is our opportunity to speak our truth, without criticism or fear.

Well, I didn’t work on mine that much, at first. I moved in June and the packing and sorting process took much of my attention. I finally settled down to write. The writing, as it has turned out, has been serving as a vehicle for healing, enlightenment and joy. As my story goes along (I am telling it as chronologically as I can) interesting things have been occurring. I wrote about my high school experience, which I relayed as a time of isolation and depression. Within a week I heard from a former high school classmate who mentioned how funny, child-like and interesting I was; in fact he said “I was before my time”. I was? I had no idea. As I unravel my memory, I am reliving experiences that have long been locked away and I am thinking about people who have been out of my life of a long time. I have begun to feel a sense of gratitude to people from my past, feeling blessed for all they gave me.

Taking a second look at what I had been writing, I realized that much of my initial story was written in a negative view point. It was rather dreary reading. I have started to go through it again, with a more compassionate eye. I don’t intend to remove things that were sad or tragic, but by stepping back I am find good memories and stories too. I have begun to realize it was not all gloom and doom. Even events that were not all that great are getting a fresh perspective.

I am not done writing it. I am in various stages of re-envisioning, editing and writing. It is due this Sunday (August 19th)! Time flies, doesn’t it? While I intend to have it completed by then I hope to move forward with care so that the end product isn’t rushed and incomplete.

Wait! Why am I still writing this post?? I have work to do! I’ll post something new next week. Wish me luck!!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Re-writing the Story

As you may or may not know, I have a fuller figure. I have had this natural abundance since I was around 7 or 8 years old. It has not been easy growing up in this day and age being a larger-sized person. People can be brutal and I have not always handled it well. I have tried diets. Maybe not all of them, but I've done my share. I have started numerous exercise programs and have joined a few gyms. Success in terms of weight loss was elusive, programs abandoned, memberships canceled. Either the program was more difficult than I could do or I got bored or injured. Most of the regimens I have done have lead to weight loss of about 7 lbs., regardless of how hard I tried. All of it was very discouraging.

In the past few years I have stopped trying to formulate a specific program. Not living up to the expectations I set up for myself on these programs turned out to be far worse than being and staying fat. It gives ample opportunity to get the ol' fish knife out and gut myself from stern to stem.

What to do? Well, I have to write a new story! That is my new assignment. In order to change the old dialogue running through my head, I instead write down what I want to achieve as though I already have. Writing in the present tense juices up the intentions, increasing the positive vibrations emitted to the Universe, which in turn provides opportunities to help me create the life I am envisioning.

I need to be specific and to stretch it as far as I am comfortable. "I feel good about myself every day" is something I can get my teeth into; "I am at the weight I am most comfortable at" is more than I can believe at this time. As I write I am to check with myself that these statements feel right. If they don't, they are not used. They do not become part of the story.

According to Ellie, there are 4 questions* to ask my self. The answers need to be short and clear. First I am to envision what I desire and see myself living it; then I ask different questions about what is success and to list it. All answers have a 3 different examples.

I have not started this yet; looking over the directions it looks like mental exercise, stretching out areas hardly used, pumping blood and revitalizing parts that have not yet learned their potential. This appears to be a simple exercise; however I have fooled myself before with that thinking. I am curious as to what is going to emerge from this.

Sometimes re-writing the story takes a little creativity and serious imagination. That I think I have; I just wonder if I will reach high enough or will I settle for safety.

*these questions are from Ellie Walsh's booklet, Tell a New Story, Change Your Life Part 2. Thanks Ell for your support so far!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Co-creating. Say wha? Whaddya mean, I am co-creating my experiences with others? Yeah, I can't control what others think or say (though I have wanted to) - but that we are actually co-creating, co-producing, co-sharing our experience? This is something I have to sit back and think about.

Why this is even coming up with my sessions with Ellie is this: over the weekend I had a watershed moment concerning what other people think of me, of shouldering responsibility for everyone in the world and for caring and worrying about it ALL. To say the least, it has affected my health. The stress I have placed on myself has been enormous and I am at that point where I cannot do it anymore.

Anyway, I had a facial appointment Saturday morning. Man, I could not wait for it; I wanted to relax and be pampered. And I was running late. About 10-15 minutes late. I HATE arriving late to anything. As I am driving along the interstate this was running through my head: Oh no, I'm late, she is going to be pissed with me. Oh crap, I am going to make her late with the rest of her appointments for the rest of the day. It will be like the domino affect; one person late, and one by one, each subsequent appointment gets further and further away from the arranged start time. How inconsiderate of me!

As this little story ran through my head like a little ferret chasing a ball, I took a deep breath and said: "Relax. Now why is it exactly my problem? She (the facialist) is a professional. I doubt you are the first customer she has had who was late for an appointment. Her latter appointments are NOT your problem. Your job is to get to your destination in one piece without harming others on the road. Chill."

Whooosh. That feeling of shame and fear went away and I safely arrived at my destination. Andrea greeted me with a smile, showed me to my room and accepted my apologies without making a big deal. And the facial was great!

I wrote about this experience in an appreciation list and noted that this was pretty big for me. For as long as I could remember I have felt the need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't know exactly why I took on this super-human task and quite frankly don't care. What I care about is what I do NOW.

Ellie also noted this achievement from my list; this is when she mentioned co-creation. According to Ellie, I was not the only architect in this situation. Andrea was also building and creating this moment between us. To think, this sharing of creation is happening around us in all our dealings with others. Why didn't I think of that? Of course, if one's approach to life is to take responsibility for all that is wrong, I guess it is not too far-fetched to think I was fully responsible for the course in all of my interactions with other people.

This is something to think about more and observe as I trip along life. It is so funny how the simplest of things reveal such vast and profound meanings.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

School Daze

Ok, so have been talking about Appreciation Lists. How they are starting to subtly change my outlook and my world. As I was writing up yesterday's list my Jr. High music teacher, Mrs. Robare, popped up in my head. This woman is a pip! She is dynamic, funny, loud and brassy. All big hair, flowing dresses with high-heeled boots and 18 coats of mascara (no exaggeration, we asked!). She taught chorus and whether it was a class, a choir practice or a concert, she was standing at her piano, Jerry Lee Lewis-style, pounding on the keys, yelling and smiling like a crazy woman. She was the most amazing teacher.

The thing that struck me the most was that she CARED. She had command of any room she entered, she took no guff and she loved each and every one of us. Of course, she did not hold back when we were driving her nuts, but you knew she was in the right profession.

She picked great music too. She had a select choir, Swing Group, that you had to audition for. We even used "It Don't Mean a Thing (If it Ain't Got That Swing)" as a our theme song. She fostered an appreciation for melody, rhythm and form like no other music teacher (except for perhaps B, my High School band teacher - MAYBE). Being around you made you want to stand up straighter, look your best and SMILE!

I posted something about my appreciation for her on my Facebook update and I think that was the most popular update I have ever written (which, in reality, isn't saying too much since I don't write too many). Both former classmates and friends chimed in and it was so nice to initiate a bright little spot of good feeling in the world. Even better, one of my former classmates somehow knows one of her relatives and will pass on my comments to her. I really hope they make her smile. Compared to all the smiles she has given me, it is the least I can do.

Appreciation Lists

I have been working with Ellie Walsh, who is a teacher of the Law Of Attraction. I have known Ellie for a little over a year; she is loud, funny, a dynamo and I just love her. We met while taking the same psychic development class at Venture Inward in East Greenbush, NY. She has taught classes on the Law of Attraction and holds bi-monthly sessions at VI.

What is the Law of Attraction? It is a system of beliefs put forth by Esther and Jerry Hicks, who receive their information through a group of entities calling themselves Abraham. Essentially, your thoughts create your life. Positive, negative, every single thought is a building block of the life you live, at every minute. You want something, you will attract it. If you don’t want something, you will attract it. That’s the kicker that gets me every time.

I believe this stuff. I knew I could improve things in my life by applying this principle on a consistent basis. So that is when I contacted Ellie and began a one-on-one learning relationship with her. I talk to her on the phone once a week, email whenever the need arises and in general have access to her pool of knowledge and experience.

One of the first things she had me do was to create an Appreciation list. Initially I misheard her and was writing up Gratitude lists. I emailed them to her so that she could take a look at what was going on with me, what language I was using and what I was focusing on. It was funny, once she reiterated that they were Appreciation lists; when I relabeled them they became different animals. Gratitude felt like being grateful that I wasn’t living during the 1930’s Depression; appreciation gave me a feeling of openness, abundance and light.

So I have been writing up these lists almost every day. I send them to Ell and sometimes she comments on them, sometimes she doesn’t or comments on them during our phone sessions. I have become more disciplined about writing them; Ellie asked me why I was paying her if I didn’t use the tools she prescribed. Why wasn’t I? I was investing time and money into this, why not jump in full-throttle? I think part of it was that I thought that this simple task was something I could treat casually; I wanted all the good stuff! I wanted to be working at my dream job in a week, lose all the weight I wanted in a month and have all the money I ever wanted in three. Ellie kindly pointed out that writing these lists were essential to shifting my way of thinking; of appreciating what I did have, even if it wasn’t anything that on the surface I didn’t want. I had to fully appreciate something before I could change it. The list writing was the way to facilitate the brain-change. And dammit, she was right!!

My lists, at first, were pretty basic and short. I am appreciative of my boyfriend, my cats, my father’s health, the fact I had a job, etc. Then Ellie challenged me to expand upon them; why was I appreciative of this? And why not be appreciative not only of the fact that I have a car, but appreciate the people who designed and built it. The lists I began creating had more depth and started to open things up for me in my life. I started to look at things with a more gentle attitude and as a result I have been creating a more gentle life.

I have a phone session with Ellie tonight; I can’t wait! I’ll let you know how it goes!