Friday, October 30, 2009

On the Way to Shangri-La

Rough waters. Spinning in circles. Rumbling earthquakes shaking the ground. My existence the last few weeks has resembled these metaphors.

Ever since I have been working steadily with the Law of Attraction I have been almost hyper aware of my feelings. In turn, I have become more aware of the thoughts that run through my mind. Needless to say there have been times lately that I feel I have been knee-deep in muck.

I have always been sensitive. Since I was a little girl I learned to gauge a room and measure the mood of the occupants. I knew when I could relax and when I needed to tippy-toe and be quiet. I had to do a lot of tippy-toeing as a kid, suppressing a lot of who I was in order to survive. To survive meant to be unseen and unheard, left alone.

I developed many rules internally that served me at the time, accomplishing the task of survival. Those beliefs and skills lost their usefulness as an adult, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of this. I shielded myself from all sorts of experiences, experiences that could have led me down a completely different path. A path of adventure, discovery and daring.

Such is life. It is never too late to start down that path. However, my inner “Committee”, the entity that regulated my “protection” is having a hard time adjusting to a more open attitude about life. The reigns are being tugged like those on a wild horse; hard and often. “You can’t do that.” “The only way to be happy is…”. “You’ll never amount to much, don’t try to go beyond your comfort zone.” “You’re stupid.” As I reach for another source of direction (My Inner Self) the Internal Committee has been called to action, fighting for its place as the dominant guide in my life.

I find it funny that at times, even when it hurts, hurts so bad, it feels somewhat comforting to fall back into old ways of thinking. At least it is familiar. I know what to expect. The dull ache of defeat is like an old friend.

Yet I persist. Every day I try to delve headfirst into the calm waters of my Inner Self. I cutely call it marinating. I want to let it soak into my bones, into the fibers of my existence until it completely replaces those old habits of thought. I make appreciation lists, thanking the Gods for all that I have, all the abundance that is in my life.

This strange calm has taken hold of my spirit the last few days. I say strange because frankly it is a rather uncommon feeling. I haven’t developed a sense of well-being per se, where I trust completely the path I trod. But I don’t suffer the old messages either. It is like a place in between, where I am on the other side of a hellish experience but have not yet reached the beautiful oasis that is on my map. The road is a little foggy but I think I have the tools to see my way clear.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Believing vs Knowing

I'm still reading Mr. Dyer and have come across the section where he talks about distinguishing between believing and knowing. Believing is quite often based on some other person's dictums, while knowing comes from within our being, our gut. The source of the former does not have any organic connection that the latter possesses which begs the question: Why do we allow it to guide us in this life?

To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.

I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.

Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.

What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.

According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.

Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.

My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???

Monday, October 12, 2009

Fakin' It

Today I am faking it. Faking that there is endless possibilities out there for me. Faking that I feel happiness and joy and that this is all going to go well for me. I hold onto this feigned sense of contentment with my nails digging into it, clinging for dear life.

My "Emotional Guidance System"'s alarms have been going off for a few days now, especially when I think about my work life. It appears that my thoughts are not in alignment with what I really want. So I look up to the figurative blue sky, squint my eyes in the imaginary sun and pull myself up by the bootstraps. I am free, I chant, I am free. I own my power. The most important thing today is that I feel good.

There are days that I feel that true sense of joy, happiness, contentment. I savor them, roll them around on my tongue and bank them away for future use. For days like today. I recreate those feelings of elation, knowing that it is going to be okay, even if I don't exactly feel it.

As the day has worn on, there are a few glimmers of genuine sunshine coming through. I hold onto these, reveling in the loosening of that hard knot in my belly. As I was told by Ellie, I close in on the feeling, recognize it for what it is, let it go and state "I am in the process". I need to let go and let the Universe flow through me and guide me.

I want a job I love. I want a lot of money to enjoy. I want to have fun every day. I want to experience great love with my boyfriend, friends and family.

And as I ask, so it is granted...

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Down The Winding Path

The following poem was one I wrote as an offering to the Goddess for my initiation:

Down the Winding Path

Winding, dancing to her own rhythm
She came

Her beauty so pure
Her regal form, the color of dusk
Glistened in the waning sun

Arriving from the West
Leaving the Darkness
Flowing to the East
Rising to the next beginning
She moved

Words could not express
The humbling awe that overcame me

She grabs my spirit
And thunders her presence

The obsidian eyes turn to me
Startled, I saw myself
Reflected in her gaze

You are me
I am you
I dwell within
At the crossroads of heaven and hell

I am always with you
I will never leave
Even when you return to the Earth

She slithered away
Slowly disappearing into the growth
Gone as quickly as she came
The Universe she leaves in her wake

Thursday, October 1, 2009


I haven't posted in a while. I have been so busy with so many different things that unfortunately this blog has been a bit neglected. I hope that once the dust clears I can return to more regular posting.

Tomorrow morning I will be initiated as a priestess of the Fellowship of Isis. Lady Olivia Robertson, co-founder of the organization, will be present when Mary, my teacher, friend and mentor, welcomes me into the fold. My boyfriend, coven and a good friend and mentor will also be present.

When I started this particular journey I did not expect the changes and experiences that have come out of this pursuit. I thought I had done enough soul searching and exploration of the psyche to breeze through but the Gods had other plans. I went even further into myself (with additional help from Ellie and LOA) and I must say I feel kinda beat up. I have cried several times this week. I am emotional, tense and ready to give birth - just as Mary said we would! I thought the birth analogy she applied to our 9 month class (duh) had no effect, but again, I was wrong!

Anyway, I have already met Olivia and she is a lovely and tiny 92 year old woman with much humor and insight. I had the pleasure of being told that she thought I was very beautiful, which of course made me cry. As Mary said, the Goddess sent me what I needed. I have been feeling less than attractive of late and rather down on myself. That little boost felt good at a particularly low point.

It is supposed to rain tomorrow so the ceremony may take place in Mary's beautiful and rambling farm house. I have the dress, jewels, crown, cloak and wand all ready. I feel as if I am about to enter something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I take this commitment very seriously and I believe the Goddess does too. While I may have challenges thrown my way, deep down I know I can handle it.

I will post soon with a report on the ceremony. Hurrah!