I lost a friend a few weeks ago. It was sudden, unexpected and shocking. One evening he decided to exit the world on his terms, by his hand.
I liked Andrew a lot. He was cheerful, sunny, very smart and generous. He was always so pleasant to be around, and he always had a joke to share. He had a very sharp and witty sense of humor that didn't aim to hurt. He knew the hard knocks of life and savored every last bit of it. So why did he choose to leave so early?
I don't know. It can be said that it was just his time, that this was part of the big plan. I (and many of our mutual friends) were not aware of the dark thoughts that obviously plagued his mind. He hid this all very well, hiding in this darkness and witnessing whatever demons visited him.
I wish I could have comforted him. I wish I could have told him it was going to be ok. I wish I could have said or do something that perhaps could have given him pause.
Andrew's leaving really brought home to me that death is not what is scary, but what is left behind. I truly believe that wherever he is, he has a smile on his face, a beer and cigar in his hand and tapping his feet to some Irish music. However, for those left behind, there is confusion, sorrow, bewilderment and anger.
As with death, it is the living that the funeral is really for. We often turn our thoughts inward, wondering if we can live without their smile, their presence. Let's face it: we are self-centered creatures. We make it about us. In situations like Andrew's, it often makes you think about those times when living wasn't such an enjoyable idea. When you thought that things would be so much better, that the pain would finally go away, if you could just end it. Just leave it all behind. I have thought it often in my life; not necessarily leaving permently but simply wanting to curl up and leave for awhile, escaping life's pain.
I miss him. I miss his sunshine. I don't know all that was going on in his mind and I am sorry he felt this was the way to go. Who knows, maybe it was. I hope it didn't hurt, I hope he felt some degree of relief once he made his decision and I hope he now free.
Andrew, I salute you. It was an honor knowing you.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Holiday Daze
Wow, did this holiday season fly by, on wings coated with jagged ice and with a swiftness of tidal wave. I admit that it took me off guard. As a result I felt rushed this month, scurrying around to complete my holiday shopping, baking and other holiday-related projects. I started to take on the look and demeanor of one who breaks rocks all day, dragging the rubble from one place to another, the weight of the world literally on their shoulders. I became miserable.
Why? I guess I took on too much. I thought I could take on the Herculean task of baking dozens of cookies, shop for several people, wrap it all and participate in several holiday gatherings without any affect on my energy. I believe I miscalculated my energy reserves.
Quickly the panic came over me, as its shadow overtook me, my anger and frustration grew. My poor boyfriend, who takes a more relaxed approach to this time of year, became the focus for much of my ire. Why did he leave that sock on the floor? Why is he in the bathroom when I really need to use it? Why isn’t he helping me? This aggravation spread towards my co-workers, neighbors and even other drivers. Slow down! Speed up! I need that answer now!
While no one person is perfect, I believe my expectations for the world were rather ambitious. Of course, I am forgetting my biggest target, my self.
The wrapping is done. The cookies are all baked. There are a few more parties to attend. The apartment is slowly coming back together, recovering from the whirlwind of these last few weeks of activity. And I have finally had time to think.
The biggest, of course, is why do this to myself? I guess because I believe I would be disappointing people. That is something I truly fear. People expect things of me and if I don’t come through, that is it, it is all over.
As I think, grow and travel, I am beginning to see the faulty thinking behind this. And while it is easy to beat myself up over that, I realize that that too, is an old pattern with faulty thinking. So I have decided to let it all go.
So what will I do for next year? Enjoy the snow, sip some hot cocoa and watch the annual madness from a distance.
Why? I guess I took on too much. I thought I could take on the Herculean task of baking dozens of cookies, shop for several people, wrap it all and participate in several holiday gatherings without any affect on my energy. I believe I miscalculated my energy reserves.
Quickly the panic came over me, as its shadow overtook me, my anger and frustration grew. My poor boyfriend, who takes a more relaxed approach to this time of year, became the focus for much of my ire. Why did he leave that sock on the floor? Why is he in the bathroom when I really need to use it? Why isn’t he helping me? This aggravation spread towards my co-workers, neighbors and even other drivers. Slow down! Speed up! I need that answer now!
While no one person is perfect, I believe my expectations for the world were rather ambitious. Of course, I am forgetting my biggest target, my self.
The wrapping is done. The cookies are all baked. There are a few more parties to attend. The apartment is slowly coming back together, recovering from the whirlwind of these last few weeks of activity. And I have finally had time to think.
The biggest, of course, is why do this to myself? I guess because I believe I would be disappointing people. That is something I truly fear. People expect things of me and if I don’t come through, that is it, it is all over.
As I think, grow and travel, I am beginning to see the faulty thinking behind this. And while it is easy to beat myself up over that, I realize that that too, is an old pattern with faulty thinking. So I have decided to let it all go.
So what will I do for next year? Enjoy the snow, sip some hot cocoa and watch the annual madness from a distance.
Friday, October 30, 2009
On the Way to Shangri-La
Rough waters. Spinning in circles. Rumbling earthquakes shaking the ground. My existence the last few weeks has resembled these metaphors.
Ever since I have been working steadily with the Law of Attraction I have been almost hyper aware of my feelings. In turn, I have become more aware of the thoughts that run through my mind. Needless to say there have been times lately that I feel I have been knee-deep in muck.
I have always been sensitive. Since I was a little girl I learned to gauge a room and measure the mood of the occupants. I knew when I could relax and when I needed to tippy-toe and be quiet. I had to do a lot of tippy-toeing as a kid, suppressing a lot of who I was in order to survive. To survive meant to be unseen and unheard, left alone.
I developed many rules internally that served me at the time, accomplishing the task of survival. Those beliefs and skills lost their usefulness as an adult, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of this. I shielded myself from all sorts of experiences, experiences that could have led me down a completely different path. A path of adventure, discovery and daring.
Such is life. It is never too late to start down that path. However, my inner “Committee”, the entity that regulated my “protection” is having a hard time adjusting to a more open attitude about life. The reigns are being tugged like those on a wild horse; hard and often. “You can’t do that.” “The only way to be happy is…”. “You’ll never amount to much, don’t try to go beyond your comfort zone.” “You’re stupid.” As I reach for another source of direction (My Inner Self) the Internal Committee has been called to action, fighting for its place as the dominant guide in my life.
I find it funny that at times, even when it hurts, hurts so bad, it feels somewhat comforting to fall back into old ways of thinking. At least it is familiar. I know what to expect. The dull ache of defeat is like an old friend.
Yet I persist. Every day I try to delve headfirst into the calm waters of my Inner Self. I cutely call it marinating. I want to let it soak into my bones, into the fibers of my existence until it completely replaces those old habits of thought. I make appreciation lists, thanking the Gods for all that I have, all the abundance that is in my life.
This strange calm has taken hold of my spirit the last few days. I say strange because frankly it is a rather uncommon feeling. I haven’t developed a sense of well-being per se, where I trust completely the path I trod. But I don’t suffer the old messages either. It is like a place in between, where I am on the other side of a hellish experience but have not yet reached the beautiful oasis that is on my map. The road is a little foggy but I think I have the tools to see my way clear.
Ever since I have been working steadily with the Law of Attraction I have been almost hyper aware of my feelings. In turn, I have become more aware of the thoughts that run through my mind. Needless to say there have been times lately that I feel I have been knee-deep in muck.
I have always been sensitive. Since I was a little girl I learned to gauge a room and measure the mood of the occupants. I knew when I could relax and when I needed to tippy-toe and be quiet. I had to do a lot of tippy-toeing as a kid, suppressing a lot of who I was in order to survive. To survive meant to be unseen and unheard, left alone.
I developed many rules internally that served me at the time, accomplishing the task of survival. Those beliefs and skills lost their usefulness as an adult, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of this. I shielded myself from all sorts of experiences, experiences that could have led me down a completely different path. A path of adventure, discovery and daring.
Such is life. It is never too late to start down that path. However, my inner “Committee”, the entity that regulated my “protection” is having a hard time adjusting to a more open attitude about life. The reigns are being tugged like those on a wild horse; hard and often. “You can’t do that.” “The only way to be happy is…”. “You’ll never amount to much, don’t try to go beyond your comfort zone.” “You’re stupid.” As I reach for another source of direction (My Inner Self) the Internal Committee has been called to action, fighting for its place as the dominant guide in my life.
I find it funny that at times, even when it hurts, hurts so bad, it feels somewhat comforting to fall back into old ways of thinking. At least it is familiar. I know what to expect. The dull ache of defeat is like an old friend.
Yet I persist. Every day I try to delve headfirst into the calm waters of my Inner Self. I cutely call it marinating. I want to let it soak into my bones, into the fibers of my existence until it completely replaces those old habits of thought. I make appreciation lists, thanking the Gods for all that I have, all the abundance that is in my life.
This strange calm has taken hold of my spirit the last few days. I say strange because frankly it is a rather uncommon feeling. I haven’t developed a sense of well-being per se, where I trust completely the path I trod. But I don’t suffer the old messages either. It is like a place in between, where I am on the other side of a hellish experience but have not yet reached the beautiful oasis that is on my map. The road is a little foggy but I think I have the tools to see my way clear.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Believing vs Knowing
I'm still reading Mr. Dyer and have come across the section where he talks about distinguishing between believing and knowing. Believing is quite often based on some other person's dictums, while knowing comes from within our being, our gut. The source of the former does not have any organic connection that the latter possesses which begs the question: Why do we allow it to guide us in this life?
To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.
I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.
Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.
What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.
According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.
Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.
My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???
To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.
I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.
Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.
What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.
According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.
Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.
My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???
Monday, October 12, 2009
Fakin' It
Today I am faking it. Faking that there is endless possibilities out there for me. Faking that I feel happiness and joy and that this is all going to go well for me. I hold onto this feigned sense of contentment with my nails digging into it, clinging for dear life.
My "Emotional Guidance System"'s alarms have been going off for a few days now, especially when I think about my work life. It appears that my thoughts are not in alignment with what I really want. So I look up to the figurative blue sky, squint my eyes in the imaginary sun and pull myself up by the bootstraps. I am free, I chant, I am free. I own my power. The most important thing today is that I feel good.
There are days that I feel that true sense of joy, happiness, contentment. I savor them, roll them around on my tongue and bank them away for future use. For days like today. I recreate those feelings of elation, knowing that it is going to be okay, even if I don't exactly feel it.
As the day has worn on, there are a few glimmers of genuine sunshine coming through. I hold onto these, reveling in the loosening of that hard knot in my belly. As I was told by Ellie, I close in on the feeling, recognize it for what it is, let it go and state "I am in the process". I need to let go and let the Universe flow through me and guide me.
I want a job I love. I want a lot of money to enjoy. I want to have fun every day. I want to experience great love with my boyfriend, friends and family.
And as I ask, so it is granted...
My "Emotional Guidance System"'s alarms have been going off for a few days now, especially when I think about my work life. It appears that my thoughts are not in alignment with what I really want. So I look up to the figurative blue sky, squint my eyes in the imaginary sun and pull myself up by the bootstraps. I am free, I chant, I am free. I own my power. The most important thing today is that I feel good.
There are days that I feel that true sense of joy, happiness, contentment. I savor them, roll them around on my tongue and bank them away for future use. For days like today. I recreate those feelings of elation, knowing that it is going to be okay, even if I don't exactly feel it.
As the day has worn on, there are a few glimmers of genuine sunshine coming through. I hold onto these, reveling in the loosening of that hard knot in my belly. As I was told by Ellie, I close in on the feeling, recognize it for what it is, let it go and state "I am in the process". I need to let go and let the Universe flow through me and guide me.
I want a job I love. I want a lot of money to enjoy. I want to have fun every day. I want to experience great love with my boyfriend, friends and family.
And as I ask, so it is granted...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Down The Winding Path
The following poem was one I wrote as an offering to the Goddess for my initiation:
Down the Winding Path
Winding, dancing to her own rhythm
She came
Her beauty so pure
Her regal form, the color of dusk
Glistened in the waning sun
Arriving from the West
Leaving the Darkness
Flowing to the East
Rising to the next beginning
She moved
Words could not express
The humbling awe that overcame me
She grabs my spirit
And thunders her presence
I AM SHE
The obsidian eyes turn to me
Startled, I saw myself
Reflected in her gaze
You are me
I am you
I dwell within
At the crossroads of heaven and hell
I am always with you
I will never leave
Even when you return to the Earth
She slithered away
Slowly disappearing into the growth
Gone as quickly as she came
The Universe she leaves in her wake
Down the Winding Path
Winding, dancing to her own rhythm
She came
Her beauty so pure
Her regal form, the color of dusk
Glistened in the waning sun
Arriving from the West
Leaving the Darkness
Flowing to the East
Rising to the next beginning
She moved
Words could not express
The humbling awe that overcame me
She grabs my spirit
And thunders her presence
I AM SHE
The obsidian eyes turn to me
Startled, I saw myself
Reflected in her gaze
You are me
I am you
I dwell within
At the crossroads of heaven and hell
I am always with you
I will never leave
Even when you return to the Earth
She slithered away
Slowly disappearing into the growth
Gone as quickly as she came
The Universe she leaves in her wake
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Initiation
I haven't posted in a while. I have been so busy with so many different things that unfortunately this blog has been a bit neglected. I hope that once the dust clears I can return to more regular posting.
Tomorrow morning I will be initiated as a priestess of the Fellowship of Isis. Lady Olivia Robertson, co-founder of the organization, will be present when Mary, my teacher, friend and mentor, welcomes me into the fold. My boyfriend, coven and a good friend and mentor will also be present.
When I started this particular journey I did not expect the changes and experiences that have come out of this pursuit. I thought I had done enough soul searching and exploration of the psyche to breeze through but the Gods had other plans. I went even further into myself (with additional help from Ellie and LOA) and I must say I feel kinda beat up. I have cried several times this week. I am emotional, tense and ready to give birth - just as Mary said we would! I thought the birth analogy she applied to our 9 month class (duh) had no effect, but again, I was wrong!
Anyway, I have already met Olivia and she is a lovely and tiny 92 year old woman with much humor and insight. I had the pleasure of being told that she thought I was very beautiful, which of course made me cry. As Mary said, the Goddess sent me what I needed. I have been feeling less than attractive of late and rather down on myself. That little boost felt good at a particularly low point.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow so the ceremony may take place in Mary's beautiful and rambling farm house. I have the dress, jewels, crown, cloak and wand all ready. I feel as if I am about to enter something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I take this commitment very seriously and I believe the Goddess does too. While I may have challenges thrown my way, deep down I know I can handle it.
I will post soon with a report on the ceremony. Hurrah!
Tomorrow morning I will be initiated as a priestess of the Fellowship of Isis. Lady Olivia Robertson, co-founder of the organization, will be present when Mary, my teacher, friend and mentor, welcomes me into the fold. My boyfriend, coven and a good friend and mentor will also be present.
When I started this particular journey I did not expect the changes and experiences that have come out of this pursuit. I thought I had done enough soul searching and exploration of the psyche to breeze through but the Gods had other plans. I went even further into myself (with additional help from Ellie and LOA) and I must say I feel kinda beat up. I have cried several times this week. I am emotional, tense and ready to give birth - just as Mary said we would! I thought the birth analogy she applied to our 9 month class (duh) had no effect, but again, I was wrong!
Anyway, I have already met Olivia and she is a lovely and tiny 92 year old woman with much humor and insight. I had the pleasure of being told that she thought I was very beautiful, which of course made me cry. As Mary said, the Goddess sent me what I needed. I have been feeling less than attractive of late and rather down on myself. That little boost felt good at a particularly low point.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow so the ceremony may take place in Mary's beautiful and rambling farm house. I have the dress, jewels, crown, cloak and wand all ready. I feel as if I am about to enter something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I take this commitment very seriously and I believe the Goddess does too. While I may have challenges thrown my way, deep down I know I can handle it.
I will post soon with a report on the ceremony. Hurrah!
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