On the Way to Shangri-La

Rough waters. Spinning in circles. Rumbling earthquakes shaking the ground. My existence the last few weeks has resembled these metaphors.

Ever since I have been working steadily with the Law of Attraction I have been almost hyper aware of my feelings. In turn, I have become more aware of the thoughts that run through my mind. Needless to say there have been times lately that I feel I have been knee-deep in muck.

I have always been sensitive. Since I was a little girl I learned to gauge a room and measure the mood of the occupants. I knew when I could relax and when I needed to tippy-toe and be quiet. I had to do a lot of tippy-toeing as a kid, suppressing a lot of who I was in order to survive. To survive meant to be unseen and unheard, left alone.

I developed many rules internally that served me at the time, accomplishing the task of survival. Those beliefs and skills lost their usefulness as an adult, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of this. I shielded myself from all sorts of experiences, experiences that could have led me down a completely different path. A path of adventure, discovery and daring.

Such is life. It is never too late to start down that path. However, my inner “Committee”, the entity that regulated my “protection” is having a hard time adjusting to a more open attitude about life. The reigns are being tugged like those on a wild horse; hard and often. “You can’t do that.” “The only way to be happy is…”. “You’ll never amount to much, don’t try to go beyond your comfort zone.” “You’re stupid.” As I reach for another source of direction (My Inner Self) the Internal Committee has been called to action, fighting for its place as the dominant guide in my life.

I find it funny that at times, even when it hurts, hurts so bad, it feels somewhat comforting to fall back into old ways of thinking. At least it is familiar. I know what to expect. The dull ache of defeat is like an old friend.

Yet I persist. Every day I try to delve headfirst into the calm waters of my Inner Self. I cutely call it marinating. I want to let it soak into my bones, into the fibers of my existence until it completely replaces those old habits of thought. I make appreciation lists, thanking the Gods for all that I have, all the abundance that is in my life.

This strange calm has taken hold of my spirit the last few days. I say strange because frankly it is a rather uncommon feeling. I haven’t developed a sense of well-being per se, where I trust completely the path I trod. But I don’t suffer the old messages either. It is like a place in between, where I am on the other side of a hellish experience but have not yet reached the beautiful oasis that is on my map. The road is a little foggy but I think I have the tools to see my way clear.