Wow, did this holiday season fly by, on wings coated with jagged ice and with a swiftness of tidal wave. I admit that it took me off guard. As a result I felt rushed this month, scurrying around to complete my holiday shopping, baking and other holiday-related projects. I started to take on the look and demeanor of one who breaks rocks all day, dragging the rubble from one place to another, the weight of the world literally on their shoulders. I became miserable.
Why? I guess I took on too much. I thought I could take on the Herculean task of baking dozens of cookies, shop for several people, wrap it all and participate in several holiday gatherings without any affect on my energy. I believe I miscalculated my energy reserves.
Quickly the panic came over me, as its shadow overtook me, my anger and frustration grew. My poor boyfriend, who takes a more relaxed approach to this time of year, became the focus for much of my ire. Why did he leave that sock on the floor? Why is he in the bathroom when I really need to use it? Why isn’t he helping me? This aggravation spread towards my co-workers, neighbors and even other drivers. Slow down! Speed up! I need that answer now!
While no one person is perfect, I believe my expectations for the world were rather ambitious. Of course, I am forgetting my biggest target, my self.
The wrapping is done. The cookies are all baked. There are a few more parties to attend. The apartment is slowly coming back together, recovering from the whirlwind of these last few weeks of activity. And I have finally had time to think.
The biggest, of course, is why do this to myself? I guess because I believe I would be disappointing people. That is something I truly fear. People expect things of me and if I don’t come through, that is it, it is all over.
As I think, grow and travel, I am beginning to see the faulty thinking behind this. And while it is easy to beat myself up over that, I realize that that too, is an old pattern with faulty thinking. So I have decided to let it all go.
So what will I do for next year? Enjoy the snow, sip some hot cocoa and watch the annual madness from a distance.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
On the Way to Shangri-La
Rough waters. Spinning in circles. Rumbling earthquakes shaking the ground. My existence the last few weeks has resembled these metaphors.
Ever since I have been working steadily with the Law of Attraction I have been almost hyper aware of my feelings. In turn, I have become more aware of the thoughts that run through my mind. Needless to say there have been times lately that I feel I have been knee-deep in muck.
I have always been sensitive. Since I was a little girl I learned to gauge a room and measure the mood of the occupants. I knew when I could relax and when I needed to tippy-toe and be quiet. I had to do a lot of tippy-toeing as a kid, suppressing a lot of who I was in order to survive. To survive meant to be unseen and unheard, left alone.
I developed many rules internally that served me at the time, accomplishing the task of survival. Those beliefs and skills lost their usefulness as an adult, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of this. I shielded myself from all sorts of experiences, experiences that could have led me down a completely different path. A path of adventure, discovery and daring.
Such is life. It is never too late to start down that path. However, my inner “Committee”, the entity that regulated my “protection” is having a hard time adjusting to a more open attitude about life. The reigns are being tugged like those on a wild horse; hard and often. “You can’t do that.” “The only way to be happy is…”. “You’ll never amount to much, don’t try to go beyond your comfort zone.” “You’re stupid.” As I reach for another source of direction (My Inner Self) the Internal Committee has been called to action, fighting for its place as the dominant guide in my life.
I find it funny that at times, even when it hurts, hurts so bad, it feels somewhat comforting to fall back into old ways of thinking. At least it is familiar. I know what to expect. The dull ache of defeat is like an old friend.
Yet I persist. Every day I try to delve headfirst into the calm waters of my Inner Self. I cutely call it marinating. I want to let it soak into my bones, into the fibers of my existence until it completely replaces those old habits of thought. I make appreciation lists, thanking the Gods for all that I have, all the abundance that is in my life.
This strange calm has taken hold of my spirit the last few days. I say strange because frankly it is a rather uncommon feeling. I haven’t developed a sense of well-being per se, where I trust completely the path I trod. But I don’t suffer the old messages either. It is like a place in between, where I am on the other side of a hellish experience but have not yet reached the beautiful oasis that is on my map. The road is a little foggy but I think I have the tools to see my way clear.
Ever since I have been working steadily with the Law of Attraction I have been almost hyper aware of my feelings. In turn, I have become more aware of the thoughts that run through my mind. Needless to say there have been times lately that I feel I have been knee-deep in muck.
I have always been sensitive. Since I was a little girl I learned to gauge a room and measure the mood of the occupants. I knew when I could relax and when I needed to tippy-toe and be quiet. I had to do a lot of tippy-toeing as a kid, suppressing a lot of who I was in order to survive. To survive meant to be unseen and unheard, left alone.
I developed many rules internally that served me at the time, accomplishing the task of survival. Those beliefs and skills lost their usefulness as an adult, but unfortunately I wasn’t aware of this. I shielded myself from all sorts of experiences, experiences that could have led me down a completely different path. A path of adventure, discovery and daring.
Such is life. It is never too late to start down that path. However, my inner “Committee”, the entity that regulated my “protection” is having a hard time adjusting to a more open attitude about life. The reigns are being tugged like those on a wild horse; hard and often. “You can’t do that.” “The only way to be happy is…”. “You’ll never amount to much, don’t try to go beyond your comfort zone.” “You’re stupid.” As I reach for another source of direction (My Inner Self) the Internal Committee has been called to action, fighting for its place as the dominant guide in my life.
I find it funny that at times, even when it hurts, hurts so bad, it feels somewhat comforting to fall back into old ways of thinking. At least it is familiar. I know what to expect. The dull ache of defeat is like an old friend.
Yet I persist. Every day I try to delve headfirst into the calm waters of my Inner Self. I cutely call it marinating. I want to let it soak into my bones, into the fibers of my existence until it completely replaces those old habits of thought. I make appreciation lists, thanking the Gods for all that I have, all the abundance that is in my life.
This strange calm has taken hold of my spirit the last few days. I say strange because frankly it is a rather uncommon feeling. I haven’t developed a sense of well-being per se, where I trust completely the path I trod. But I don’t suffer the old messages either. It is like a place in between, where I am on the other side of a hellish experience but have not yet reached the beautiful oasis that is on my map. The road is a little foggy but I think I have the tools to see my way clear.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Believing vs Knowing
I'm still reading Mr. Dyer and have come across the section where he talks about distinguishing between believing and knowing. Believing is quite often based on some other person's dictums, while knowing comes from within our being, our gut. The source of the former does not have any organic connection that the latter possesses which begs the question: Why do we allow it to guide us in this life?
To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.
I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.
Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.
What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.
According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.
Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.
My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???
To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.
I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.
Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.
What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.
According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.
Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.
My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???
Monday, October 12, 2009
Fakin' It
Today I am faking it. Faking that there is endless possibilities out there for me. Faking that I feel happiness and joy and that this is all going to go well for me. I hold onto this feigned sense of contentment with my nails digging into it, clinging for dear life.
My "Emotional Guidance System"'s alarms have been going off for a few days now, especially when I think about my work life. It appears that my thoughts are not in alignment with what I really want. So I look up to the figurative blue sky, squint my eyes in the imaginary sun and pull myself up by the bootstraps. I am free, I chant, I am free. I own my power. The most important thing today is that I feel good.
There are days that I feel that true sense of joy, happiness, contentment. I savor them, roll them around on my tongue and bank them away for future use. For days like today. I recreate those feelings of elation, knowing that it is going to be okay, even if I don't exactly feel it.
As the day has worn on, there are a few glimmers of genuine sunshine coming through. I hold onto these, reveling in the loosening of that hard knot in my belly. As I was told by Ellie, I close in on the feeling, recognize it for what it is, let it go and state "I am in the process". I need to let go and let the Universe flow through me and guide me.
I want a job I love. I want a lot of money to enjoy. I want to have fun every day. I want to experience great love with my boyfriend, friends and family.
And as I ask, so it is granted...
My "Emotional Guidance System"'s alarms have been going off for a few days now, especially when I think about my work life. It appears that my thoughts are not in alignment with what I really want. So I look up to the figurative blue sky, squint my eyes in the imaginary sun and pull myself up by the bootstraps. I am free, I chant, I am free. I own my power. The most important thing today is that I feel good.
There are days that I feel that true sense of joy, happiness, contentment. I savor them, roll them around on my tongue and bank them away for future use. For days like today. I recreate those feelings of elation, knowing that it is going to be okay, even if I don't exactly feel it.
As the day has worn on, there are a few glimmers of genuine sunshine coming through. I hold onto these, reveling in the loosening of that hard knot in my belly. As I was told by Ellie, I close in on the feeling, recognize it for what it is, let it go and state "I am in the process". I need to let go and let the Universe flow through me and guide me.
I want a job I love. I want a lot of money to enjoy. I want to have fun every day. I want to experience great love with my boyfriend, friends and family.
And as I ask, so it is granted...
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Down The Winding Path
The following poem was one I wrote as an offering to the Goddess for my initiation:
Down the Winding Path
Winding, dancing to her own rhythm
She came
Her beauty so pure
Her regal form, the color of dusk
Glistened in the waning sun
Arriving from the West
Leaving the Darkness
Flowing to the East
Rising to the next beginning
She moved
Words could not express
The humbling awe that overcame me
She grabs my spirit
And thunders her presence
I AM SHE
The obsidian eyes turn to me
Startled, I saw myself
Reflected in her gaze
You are me
I am you
I dwell within
At the crossroads of heaven and hell
I am always with you
I will never leave
Even when you return to the Earth
She slithered away
Slowly disappearing into the growth
Gone as quickly as she came
The Universe she leaves in her wake
Down the Winding Path
Winding, dancing to her own rhythm
She came
Her beauty so pure
Her regal form, the color of dusk
Glistened in the waning sun
Arriving from the West
Leaving the Darkness
Flowing to the East
Rising to the next beginning
She moved
Words could not express
The humbling awe that overcame me
She grabs my spirit
And thunders her presence
I AM SHE
The obsidian eyes turn to me
Startled, I saw myself
Reflected in her gaze
You are me
I am you
I dwell within
At the crossroads of heaven and hell
I am always with you
I will never leave
Even when you return to the Earth
She slithered away
Slowly disappearing into the growth
Gone as quickly as she came
The Universe she leaves in her wake
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Initiation
I haven't posted in a while. I have been so busy with so many different things that unfortunately this blog has been a bit neglected. I hope that once the dust clears I can return to more regular posting.
Tomorrow morning I will be initiated as a priestess of the Fellowship of Isis. Lady Olivia Robertson, co-founder of the organization, will be present when Mary, my teacher, friend and mentor, welcomes me into the fold. My boyfriend, coven and a good friend and mentor will also be present.
When I started this particular journey I did not expect the changes and experiences that have come out of this pursuit. I thought I had done enough soul searching and exploration of the psyche to breeze through but the Gods had other plans. I went even further into myself (with additional help from Ellie and LOA) and I must say I feel kinda beat up. I have cried several times this week. I am emotional, tense and ready to give birth - just as Mary said we would! I thought the birth analogy she applied to our 9 month class (duh) had no effect, but again, I was wrong!
Anyway, I have already met Olivia and she is a lovely and tiny 92 year old woman with much humor and insight. I had the pleasure of being told that she thought I was very beautiful, which of course made me cry. As Mary said, the Goddess sent me what I needed. I have been feeling less than attractive of late and rather down on myself. That little boost felt good at a particularly low point.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow so the ceremony may take place in Mary's beautiful and rambling farm house. I have the dress, jewels, crown, cloak and wand all ready. I feel as if I am about to enter something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I take this commitment very seriously and I believe the Goddess does too. While I may have challenges thrown my way, deep down I know I can handle it.
I will post soon with a report on the ceremony. Hurrah!
Tomorrow morning I will be initiated as a priestess of the Fellowship of Isis. Lady Olivia Robertson, co-founder of the organization, will be present when Mary, my teacher, friend and mentor, welcomes me into the fold. My boyfriend, coven and a good friend and mentor will also be present.
When I started this particular journey I did not expect the changes and experiences that have come out of this pursuit. I thought I had done enough soul searching and exploration of the psyche to breeze through but the Gods had other plans. I went even further into myself (with additional help from Ellie and LOA) and I must say I feel kinda beat up. I have cried several times this week. I am emotional, tense and ready to give birth - just as Mary said we would! I thought the birth analogy she applied to our 9 month class (duh) had no effect, but again, I was wrong!
Anyway, I have already met Olivia and she is a lovely and tiny 92 year old woman with much humor and insight. I had the pleasure of being told that she thought I was very beautiful, which of course made me cry. As Mary said, the Goddess sent me what I needed. I have been feeling less than attractive of late and rather down on myself. That little boost felt good at a particularly low point.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow so the ceremony may take place in Mary's beautiful and rambling farm house. I have the dress, jewels, crown, cloak and wand all ready. I feel as if I am about to enter something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I take this commitment very seriously and I believe the Goddess does too. While I may have challenges thrown my way, deep down I know I can handle it.
I will post soon with a report on the ceremony. Hurrah!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Believing vs Knowing
I'm still reading Mr. Dyer and have come across the section where he talks about distinguishing between believing and knowing. Believing is quite often based on some other person's dictums, while knowing comes from within our being, our gut. The source of the former does not have any organic connection that the latter possesses which begs the question: Why do we allow it to guide us in this life?
To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.
I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.
Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.
What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.
According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.
Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.
My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???
To me, beliefs are pretty sneaky things that plant themselves in our psyche.
I have asked my self what Beliefs do I hold and whether they are true. Among these beliefs are that I have a weight problem because I’m lazy, that I’m not very smart, that I missed my “time” to succeed in life and that I am bad with money.
Are any of these sweeping pronouncements the truth? I would say no; it is crap told to me at some point that I chose to believe. I can’t recall exact moments when these beliefs were planted; there was no fanfare, no fireworks. They just slunk in, shoulders hunched, slipping in with the shadows. They met up with my Internal Critic and they blossomed. As they took root, they quietly became part of the fabric of my life. They just “were”.
What is “Knowing”? I spell it with a capitol “K” because I am coming to believe that Knowing is connected to our Inner Voice. It is when we quiet down and listen to this Voice that we create the path to Knowing. The conflict occurs when the Knowings come in contact with the Beliefs.
According to the Law of Attraction, we use our emotions as an inner guide to achieve what we want (and really, what we need) in this life. When we have that everything-is-alright-in-the-world feeling, we are matching the vibration of our Inner Voice. When we feel otherwise (sad, scared, confused) we are not. I have come to find that there are these little skirmishes occurring within when I seek to follow my inner guide.
Beliefs don’t like it when we don’t believe in them anymore. They do put up a fight when we choose to listen within and not to them. Why is this? I am unsure about this. I wonder if it is a part of us that seeks to “protect” us from things that are unknown. At some point, those beliefs served a role in our lives. Good or bad, they did. Quite often, they outlive their purpose.
My beliefs are kicking up a fuss a good deal lately. I am holding on, though. I had a dream last night that has really given me a boost. My dream has other components that I can’t remember, but at the culmination I was hugging a seal with such love and I remember feeling such comfort. I looked up the meaning and it I found the Seal, as an animal spirit guide, means listening to the inner voice! How cool is that???
Sunday, September 6, 2009
PUSH
I read a book this morning called "Push: A Novel" by Sapphire. I saw it on the best seller list on Amazon and was intrigued by the story. I was able to borrow it from the library and was surprised that, for a book written in 1997, it would have a relatively long wait. When I finally read it, I realized why.
"Push: A Novel" is brutalizing, grotesque, shocking, uplifting and luminous, all in one volume. It is the story of a girl, Clareece Precious Jones, a 16 year old girl living in Harlem and pregnant with her second child. The father of both children is her father. He has been raping her since she was 6. Her mother, a grotesque woman in many layers of denial, is abusive towards Precious, calling her a harlot and a 'ho because she stole her man. STOLE her man; the man who is raping their daughter. She lives on welfare, never leaving the house and torments Precious with mental, physical and sexual abuse. Yes, this poor girl is sexually assaulted by both parents.
"Sometimes I wish I was not alive," Precious says. "But I don't know how to die. Ain' no plug to pull out. 'N no matter how bad I feel my heart don't stop beating and my eyes open in the morning." She is down-trodden, abused, illiterate, angry and very fat and life doesn't seem to have any way out for her. One day a school administrator pulls her out of class (yes, amidst all this she goes to school) and notes that she is pregnant, 16 and still in the junior high. To Precious' outrage, she is removed from school and placed in a program that meets 3 days a week, preparing its students for the GED. While it seems that the System has given up on Precious, this turns out to be the life raft she has been looking for.
In a small class of 5 or 6, her teacher, Ms. Blue Rain, encourages the girls to write about their experiences, regardless of their level of literacy. All the young ladies have had stories that would make you cry, making Precious realize she is not alone. For the first time in her life, she has a person who cares for her (Ms. Rain), she has friends (Rita, Jermaine and Rhonda) and a place of her own (she eventually goes to a half-way house for young mothers after another abusive episode with her mother). Even a towering road block doesn't slow her down: she finds out her father has died of AIDS and it is discovered that she too is HIV-positive. Fortunately her newborn son, Abdul, does not.
With a little coaxing, Precious comes out of her shell. Slowly she finds her voice on the pages of her journal. She discovers to her delight that she has a beautiful gift for words, her poetry revealing the cast-iron spirit she possesses and the fragile hope she carries with her day to day. While the life she will eventually lead is a mystery, the book ends on a high note. Precious is learning her worth, her beauty, her intelligence and that life has a lot to offer. She vows to do the very best she can for her little son, who is the light of her life. I came away feeling like this girl was going to make something of herself and inspire the hell out of a lot people along the way.
So why am I writing about this? I guess it shows that we can survive anything. That no matter what we have gone through in life, there is always someone who has had a much harsher hand dealt to them. That there is beauty within us all, just waiting to be unleashed and expressed. Simply that we can choose to live this life or be a victim of it.
What am I going to choose? Life, baby, life.
"Push: A Novel" is brutalizing, grotesque, shocking, uplifting and luminous, all in one volume. It is the story of a girl, Clareece Precious Jones, a 16 year old girl living in Harlem and pregnant with her second child. The father of both children is her father. He has been raping her since she was 6. Her mother, a grotesque woman in many layers of denial, is abusive towards Precious, calling her a harlot and a 'ho because she stole her man. STOLE her man; the man who is raping their daughter. She lives on welfare, never leaving the house and torments Precious with mental, physical and sexual abuse. Yes, this poor girl is sexually assaulted by both parents.
"Sometimes I wish I was not alive," Precious says. "But I don't know how to die. Ain' no plug to pull out. 'N no matter how bad I feel my heart don't stop beating and my eyes open in the morning." She is down-trodden, abused, illiterate, angry and very fat and life doesn't seem to have any way out for her. One day a school administrator pulls her out of class (yes, amidst all this she goes to school) and notes that she is pregnant, 16 and still in the junior high. To Precious' outrage, she is removed from school and placed in a program that meets 3 days a week, preparing its students for the GED. While it seems that the System has given up on Precious, this turns out to be the life raft she has been looking for.
In a small class of 5 or 6, her teacher, Ms. Blue Rain, encourages the girls to write about their experiences, regardless of their level of literacy. All the young ladies have had stories that would make you cry, making Precious realize she is not alone. For the first time in her life, she has a person who cares for her (Ms. Rain), she has friends (Rita, Jermaine and Rhonda) and a place of her own (she eventually goes to a half-way house for young mothers after another abusive episode with her mother). Even a towering road block doesn't slow her down: she finds out her father has died of AIDS and it is discovered that she too is HIV-positive. Fortunately her newborn son, Abdul, does not.
With a little coaxing, Precious comes out of her shell. Slowly she finds her voice on the pages of her journal. She discovers to her delight that she has a beautiful gift for words, her poetry revealing the cast-iron spirit she possesses and the fragile hope she carries with her day to day. While the life she will eventually lead is a mystery, the book ends on a high note. Precious is learning her worth, her beauty, her intelligence and that life has a lot to offer. She vows to do the very best she can for her little son, who is the light of her life. I came away feeling like this girl was going to make something of herself and inspire the hell out of a lot people along the way.
So why am I writing about this? I guess it shows that we can survive anything. That no matter what we have gone through in life, there is always someone who has had a much harsher hand dealt to them. That there is beauty within us all, just waiting to be unleashed and expressed. Simply that we can choose to live this life or be a victim of it.
What am I going to choose? Life, baby, life.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Congratulations!!
Why is it that when I do something "bad", "wrong" or "stupid", I am quick to bash myself. I'm right there to dish out the smack, slap myself down, and bruise whatever sense of worth I have. Yet if I do something good for myself, why does it not occur to me to pat myself on the back or at the very least acknowledge this good thing?
I do think some of it has origins in the way we were brought up in America (or at least when I was growing up). Don't get too big for your britches, don't get a big head, you'll get knocked down a peg or two if you keep it up! Why is this? I suppose that we can conjecture the Puritan roots of this country has influenced this, but really, who cares. All we need to know is to stop, listen and put in reverse.
I plan on writing down all the great things I do, congratulating myself on those things that I may not even notice. Now, I am not talking about helping someone cross the street, or giving someone a hand with their groceries (which are fine actions); what I am setting out to do is bring to my attention the positive actions and thoughts that I am actively making into habits. The positive reinforcement will help these behaviors set in my mind, making them easier and easier to refer to and implement.
My first entry on this list (which I intend to number so I can see these actions grow and flourish)? A serious case of letting go of anger in a situation that occured not so long ago that had had me in the grip of victim hood. I used to relish in replaying my outrage, hurt and pity but it was not allowing me to move forward. Late last week this situation yet again appeared in my imagination. I could feel myself gearing up for a quiet little rant, gathing the litany of wrongs that I had kept with me. Thankfully, I took a Moment. I stopped and asked myself "Is this what I want?". And I realized it was time. Time to finally bid adieu to this maggotty albatross that I had been carrying around. My sadistic thrill in reliving it had died. The moment I made the decision to let go, a big knot of anger released itself from the pit of my stomach and just floated away. The relief was astounding.
I would like to come up with a fancy name for this list, but really, it is the act of writing it that is the important thing. And write it I will.
I do think some of it has origins in the way we were brought up in America (or at least when I was growing up). Don't get too big for your britches, don't get a big head, you'll get knocked down a peg or two if you keep it up! Why is this? I suppose that we can conjecture the Puritan roots of this country has influenced this, but really, who cares. All we need to know is to stop, listen and put in reverse.
I plan on writing down all the great things I do, congratulating myself on those things that I may not even notice. Now, I am not talking about helping someone cross the street, or giving someone a hand with their groceries (which are fine actions); what I am setting out to do is bring to my attention the positive actions and thoughts that I am actively making into habits. The positive reinforcement will help these behaviors set in my mind, making them easier and easier to refer to and implement.
My first entry on this list (which I intend to number so I can see these actions grow and flourish)? A serious case of letting go of anger in a situation that occured not so long ago that had had me in the grip of victim hood. I used to relish in replaying my outrage, hurt and pity but it was not allowing me to move forward. Late last week this situation yet again appeared in my imagination. I could feel myself gearing up for a quiet little rant, gathing the litany of wrongs that I had kept with me. Thankfully, I took a Moment. I stopped and asked myself "Is this what I want?". And I realized it was time. Time to finally bid adieu to this maggotty albatross that I had been carrying around. My sadistic thrill in reliving it had died. The moment I made the decision to let go, a big knot of anger released itself from the pit of my stomach and just floated away. The relief was astounding.
I would like to come up with a fancy name for this list, but really, it is the act of writing it that is the important thing. And write it I will.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The Past Vanishes
I am currently reading Wayne Dyer's "Your Sacred Self". I like him; his writings dovetail nicely with both the Law of Attraction and the philosophies of magick and Wicca. The first thing that has caught my attention is the concept of leaving behind your personal history.
To quote from page 4o: "Having a personal history keeps us from now. This is a radical idea perhaps, but I am asking you to consider the possibility of totally eradicating your personal history from your consciousness and simply living completely in the present moment." Mr. Dyer then goes on to say that this does not mean completely wiping your memories clean from your mind; instead decide to not be a product of your past and leave behind those stories that take us away from listening to our Inner Source. Those stories are the things that distract us, misguide us and waste energy and time.
Can I do this? I believe I can. You see, I have played the blame game. I have claimed the victim role. And it got me nowhere. For many years I have striven to find enlightenment and getting mired in my past slowed me down considerably. It was in my early thirties when I began to realize that I had to grow up and claim responsibility for my actions as an adult. By just this one decision, the past began to lose its potency, its power.
By achieving this I can focus on the present, the here, the now. That is all that exists. Now all possibilities are open to me, the Creator of my world.
The next step I have made is to make peace with that past. Now that it does not have that hold on me, those past stories have lost their bite and I can start to generate sympathy towards myself and those who are players in the stories of the past. Generating sympathy for myself has proven to be a very big opportunity for me; by opening that door it has shown me all that can be achieved, all that I can feel and experience. It must be done. Creation is at a standstill until I forgive myself.
The past now appears like an image in my rear view mirror, becoming smaller and eventually fading away.
To quote from page 4o: "Having a personal history keeps us from now. This is a radical idea perhaps, but I am asking you to consider the possibility of totally eradicating your personal history from your consciousness and simply living completely in the present moment." Mr. Dyer then goes on to say that this does not mean completely wiping your memories clean from your mind; instead decide to not be a product of your past and leave behind those stories that take us away from listening to our Inner Source. Those stories are the things that distract us, misguide us and waste energy and time.
Can I do this? I believe I can. You see, I have played the blame game. I have claimed the victim role. And it got me nowhere. For many years I have striven to find enlightenment and getting mired in my past slowed me down considerably. It was in my early thirties when I began to realize that I had to grow up and claim responsibility for my actions as an adult. By just this one decision, the past began to lose its potency, its power.
By achieving this I can focus on the present, the here, the now. That is all that exists. Now all possibilities are open to me, the Creator of my world.
The next step I have made is to make peace with that past. Now that it does not have that hold on me, those past stories have lost their bite and I can start to generate sympathy towards myself and those who are players in the stories of the past. Generating sympathy for myself has proven to be a very big opportunity for me; by opening that door it has shown me all that can be achieved, all that I can feel and experience. It must be done. Creation is at a standstill until I forgive myself.
The past now appears like an image in my rear view mirror, becoming smaller and eventually fading away.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Purr Purr
My boyfriend and I have adopted a new kitten which we have named Gimli, after the dwarf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He, his mother and several brothers and sisters were found on the doorstep of a nice lady who happens to have a history of rescuing cats. Through a forwarded email I received a couple of weeks ago I learned of this little family. Mick and I had been talking about adopting a new furry one; the timing was fortuitous. This past Sunday we met little Gimli and quickly lost our hearts.
With a new kitten comes great responsibility, Peter. Neither Mick or I have ever had a kitten that small (Gim is about 6 weeks old) so we have worried about his food and water intake, his litter box usage and his interactions with the other cats. Yes, there are other cats in this story. I have 2 other cats, Lily and Spike, who live and love with us and they are amazing and wonderful animals. However, most cats need time to adjust to a new comer and Lil and Spike are not exception.
So this week we have heard our fair share of hissing and growling. The old guys are a little put out about this fluffy new guy while Gimli is just trying to figure out what the heck is happening. He has quickly adjusted to our environment. He spent his first few days or so under my dresser; then one day we opened the door to the bedroom (where we were keeping Gim separated from the other guys) and lo and behold, the kitty is roaming around the room, meowing and wanting out. We have gradually increased his outside time and last night we decided to leave the bedroom door open. Today (fingers crossed) is Gimli's first day with full access to the apartment.
My friend Coryelle has been a tremendous help. She is a great woman and phenomenal animal communicator. One of her tips really helped; we rubbed Gimli with a dish towel and left it out where Spike and Lily were. That way they could get used to his scent at their own pace while not having to deal with him directly. I have taken classes from Coryelle and using the techniques she has taught revealed a bit about what I fear and how I deal with it.
Basically, I quiet my mind and "reach" out to a particular cat. I call them by name and ask to speak to them. For this situation, I was trying to prepare Lily and Spike for the incoming new guy, telling them that they were not being replaced and above all, that they were loved very very much. After Gimli's arrival I have tried to communicate with all of them, checking in on their feelings and what I can do to help the process. Not surprising I have found it difficult to concentrate and get a connection when I am stressed or scared. I have had to really face these fears (will I be able to care for them all, what if they get sick, what if they escape, what if they harm one another) and know I can handle them if the situation arises.
Lily, the most dominant, hisses at Gimli, though that is slowly diminishing. She allows me to pet her but she is not as affectionate as usual. Through my communications, Lily's main concern appears to be the preservation of the order of things. As long as the other cats know she is number 1, all is right with the world. Spike is a little more sensitive; he worries about getting less attention and getting lost in the shuffle. Both Mick and I continually speak to them, telling them we love them and stroking them whenever we can. I hate to put them through the stress. I am glad to be able to give an animal a home. We have a lot of love to give.
Gimli, bless his little soul, seems pretty adventurous. He loves to be held and his belly to be rubbed. The last few nights have found him sharing our bed, which scares us because of his size. We are so afraid of rolling over him that I don't think either one of us got much sleep. I placed him on his blanket about 4 times during the night, and each and every time he climbed back up onto the bed. Last night I placed a small cat bed among our pillows so that Gimli could have a relative safe place to sleep. He likes to lay where our heads are, which is a little safer than say, at our feet. I have debated on what to do because I think he really misses some kind of contact when he sleeps at night. He may have been separated from his mother a week or so too soon and I want him to be comforted and feel safe. So for now we are keeping this arrangement; we may, once he has a more cordial relationship with the other cats, be kept out of the bedroom.
I can't wait to come home tonight.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Writing My Autobiography
For the past 7-8 months I have been studying with Mary Browne, owner of Universal Pathways and a priestess in the Fellowship of Isis. It is a small class (one other person) and we meet once a month at Mary's lovely creation. I will be honest; I was not entirely sure what to expect when I signed up. All I knew was that I wanted to work with Mary. I had become familiar with her and Universal Pathways through HVPN. They sponsored day-long retreats at the center (which has several hundred acres and a house with a to-die-for library, beautiful temple area and plenty of comfortable places to meditate and just be) that were unbelievable. It was not the activities that made it a great experience; it was the lack of activities that allowed participants to revel in the center’s beauty and peace. But without Mary, it would not be the same.
When I first met Mary, I instantly felt good. At peace with myself. In the presence of a person who without hesitation would give you a nice warm hug and tell you that it was going to be okay. She has an air of quiet knowledge and power about her; it isn’t flashy or cast about to impress people. She just is. When I heard that she taught a Mystery School (or Goddess class, as it is casually called) I jumped at the chance to work with her.
The focus of the class is to awaken our sense of our own power and to seek assistance and inspiration from the Goddess. Mary likens the class to a pregnancy. It is 9 months long and with each trimester the experience gets more intense. At the first class she assigned a project that was due on the second to last class – our Autobiography. We are to read it to everyone in the class, without interruption. In the past some have lasted less than an hour, some have lasted 2 days. It is our opportunity to speak our truth, without criticism or fear.
Well, I didn’t work on mine that much, at first. I moved in June and the packing and sorting process took much of my attention. I finally settled down to write. The writing, as it has turned out, has been serving as a vehicle for healing, enlightenment and joy. As my story goes along (I am telling it as chronologically as I can) interesting things have been occurring. I wrote about my high school experience, which I relayed as a time of isolation and depression. Within a week I heard from a former high school classmate who mentioned how funny, child-like and interesting I was; in fact he said “I was before my time”. I was? I had no idea. As I unravel my memory, I am reliving experiences that have long been locked away and I am thinking about people who have been out of my life of a long time. I have begun to feel a sense of gratitude to people from my past, feeling blessed for all they gave me.
Taking a second look at what I had been writing, I realized that much of my initial story was written in a negative view point. It was rather dreary reading. I have started to go through it again, with a more compassionate eye. I don’t intend to remove things that were sad or tragic, but by stepping back I am find good memories and stories too. I have begun to realize it was not all gloom and doom. Even events that were not all that great are getting a fresh perspective.
I am not done writing it. I am in various stages of re-envisioning, editing and writing. It is due this Sunday (August 19th)! Time flies, doesn’t it? While I intend to have it completed by then I hope to move forward with care so that the end product isn’t rushed and incomplete.
Wait! Why am I still writing this post?? I have work to do! I’ll post something new next week. Wish me luck!!
When I first met Mary, I instantly felt good. At peace with myself. In the presence of a person who without hesitation would give you a nice warm hug and tell you that it was going to be okay. She has an air of quiet knowledge and power about her; it isn’t flashy or cast about to impress people. She just is. When I heard that she taught a Mystery School (or Goddess class, as it is casually called) I jumped at the chance to work with her.
The focus of the class is to awaken our sense of our own power and to seek assistance and inspiration from the Goddess. Mary likens the class to a pregnancy. It is 9 months long and with each trimester the experience gets more intense. At the first class she assigned a project that was due on the second to last class – our Autobiography. We are to read it to everyone in the class, without interruption. In the past some have lasted less than an hour, some have lasted 2 days. It is our opportunity to speak our truth, without criticism or fear.
Well, I didn’t work on mine that much, at first. I moved in June and the packing and sorting process took much of my attention. I finally settled down to write. The writing, as it has turned out, has been serving as a vehicle for healing, enlightenment and joy. As my story goes along (I am telling it as chronologically as I can) interesting things have been occurring. I wrote about my high school experience, which I relayed as a time of isolation and depression. Within a week I heard from a former high school classmate who mentioned how funny, child-like and interesting I was; in fact he said “I was before my time”. I was? I had no idea. As I unravel my memory, I am reliving experiences that have long been locked away and I am thinking about people who have been out of my life of a long time. I have begun to feel a sense of gratitude to people from my past, feeling blessed for all they gave me.
Taking a second look at what I had been writing, I realized that much of my initial story was written in a negative view point. It was rather dreary reading. I have started to go through it again, with a more compassionate eye. I don’t intend to remove things that were sad or tragic, but by stepping back I am find good memories and stories too. I have begun to realize it was not all gloom and doom. Even events that were not all that great are getting a fresh perspective.
I am not done writing it. I am in various stages of re-envisioning, editing and writing. It is due this Sunday (August 19th)! Time flies, doesn’t it? While I intend to have it completed by then I hope to move forward with care so that the end product isn’t rushed and incomplete.
Wait! Why am I still writing this post?? I have work to do! I’ll post something new next week. Wish me luck!!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Re-writing the Story
As you may or may not know, I have a fuller figure. I have had this natural abundance since I was around 7 or 8 years old. It has not been easy growing up in this day and age being a larger-sized person. People can be brutal and I have not always handled it well. I have tried diets. Maybe not all of them, but I've done my share. I have started numerous exercise programs and have joined a few gyms. Success in terms of weight loss was elusive, programs abandoned, memberships canceled. Either the program was more difficult than I could do or I got bored or injured. Most of the regimens I have done have lead to weight loss of about 7 lbs., regardless of how hard I tried. All of it was very discouraging.
In the past few years I have stopped trying to formulate a specific program. Not living up to the expectations I set up for myself on these programs turned out to be far worse than being and staying fat. It gives ample opportunity to get the ol' fish knife out and gut myself from stern to stem.
What to do? Well, I have to write a new story! That is my new assignment. In order to change the old dialogue running through my head, I instead write down what I want to achieve as though I already have. Writing in the present tense juices up the intentions, increasing the positive vibrations emitted to the Universe, which in turn provides opportunities to help me create the life I am envisioning.
I need to be specific and to stretch it as far as I am comfortable. "I feel good about myself every day" is something I can get my teeth into; "I am at the weight I am most comfortable at" is more than I can believe at this time. As I write I am to check with myself that these statements feel right. If they don't, they are not used. They do not become part of the story.
According to Ellie, there are 4 questions* to ask my self. The answers need to be short and clear. First I am to envision what I desire and see myself living it; then I ask different questions about what is success and to list it. All answers have a 3 different examples.
I have not started this yet; looking over the directions it looks like mental exercise, stretching out areas hardly used, pumping blood and revitalizing parts that have not yet learned their potential. This appears to be a simple exercise; however I have fooled myself before with that thinking. I am curious as to what is going to emerge from this.
Sometimes re-writing the story takes a little creativity and serious imagination. That I think I have; I just wonder if I will reach high enough or will I settle for safety.
*these questions are from Ellie Walsh's booklet, Tell a New Story, Change Your Life Part 2. Thanks Ell for your support so far!
In the past few years I have stopped trying to formulate a specific program. Not living up to the expectations I set up for myself on these programs turned out to be far worse than being and staying fat. It gives ample opportunity to get the ol' fish knife out and gut myself from stern to stem.
What to do? Well, I have to write a new story! That is my new assignment. In order to change the old dialogue running through my head, I instead write down what I want to achieve as though I already have. Writing in the present tense juices up the intentions, increasing the positive vibrations emitted to the Universe, which in turn provides opportunities to help me create the life I am envisioning.
I need to be specific and to stretch it as far as I am comfortable. "I feel good about myself every day" is something I can get my teeth into; "I am at the weight I am most comfortable at" is more than I can believe at this time. As I write I am to check with myself that these statements feel right. If they don't, they are not used. They do not become part of the story.
According to Ellie, there are 4 questions* to ask my self. The answers need to be short and clear. First I am to envision what I desire and see myself living it; then I ask different questions about what is success and to list it. All answers have a 3 different examples.
I have not started this yet; looking over the directions it looks like mental exercise, stretching out areas hardly used, pumping blood and revitalizing parts that have not yet learned their potential. This appears to be a simple exercise; however I have fooled myself before with that thinking. I am curious as to what is going to emerge from this.
Sometimes re-writing the story takes a little creativity and serious imagination. That I think I have; I just wonder if I will reach high enough or will I settle for safety.
*these questions are from Ellie Walsh's booklet, Tell a New Story, Change Your Life Part 2. Thanks Ell for your support so far!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Co-Creating
Co-creating. Say wha? Whaddya mean, I am co-creating my experiences with others? Yeah, I can't control what others think or say (though I have wanted to) - but that we are actually co-creating, co-producing, co-sharing our experience? This is something I have to sit back and think about.
Why this is even coming up with my sessions with Ellie is this: over the weekend I had a watershed moment concerning what other people think of me, of shouldering responsibility for everyone in the world and for caring and worrying about it ALL. To say the least, it has affected my health. The stress I have placed on myself has been enormous and I am at that point where I cannot do it anymore.
Anyway, I had a facial appointment Saturday morning. Man, I could not wait for it; I wanted to relax and be pampered. And I was running late. About 10-15 minutes late. I HATE arriving late to anything. As I am driving along the interstate this was running through my head: Oh no, I'm late, she is going to be pissed with me. Oh crap, I am going to make her late with the rest of her appointments for the rest of the day. It will be like the domino affect; one person late, and one by one, each subsequent appointment gets further and further away from the arranged start time. How inconsiderate of me!
As this little story ran through my head like a little ferret chasing a ball, I took a deep breath and said: "Relax. Now why is it exactly my problem? She (the facialist) is a professional. I doubt you are the first customer she has had who was late for an appointment. Her latter appointments are NOT your problem. Your job is to get to your destination in one piece without harming others on the road. Chill."
Whooosh. That feeling of shame and fear went away and I safely arrived at my destination. Andrea greeted me with a smile, showed me to my room and accepted my apologies without making a big deal. And the facial was great!
I wrote about this experience in an appreciation list and noted that this was pretty big for me. For as long as I could remember I have felt the need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't know exactly why I took on this super-human task and quite frankly don't care. What I care about is what I do NOW.
Ellie also noted this achievement from my list; this is when she mentioned co-creation. According to Ellie, I was not the only architect in this situation. Andrea was also building and creating this moment between us. To think, this sharing of creation is happening around us in all our dealings with others. Why didn't I think of that? Of course, if one's approach to life is to take responsibility for all that is wrong, I guess it is not too far-fetched to think I was fully responsible for the course in all of my interactions with other people.
This is something to think about more and observe as I trip along life. It is so funny how the simplest of things reveal such vast and profound meanings.
Why this is even coming up with my sessions with Ellie is this: over the weekend I had a watershed moment concerning what other people think of me, of shouldering responsibility for everyone in the world and for caring and worrying about it ALL. To say the least, it has affected my health. The stress I have placed on myself has been enormous and I am at that point where I cannot do it anymore.
Anyway, I had a facial appointment Saturday morning. Man, I could not wait for it; I wanted to relax and be pampered. And I was running late. About 10-15 minutes late. I HATE arriving late to anything. As I am driving along the interstate this was running through my head: Oh no, I'm late, she is going to be pissed with me. Oh crap, I am going to make her late with the rest of her appointments for the rest of the day. It will be like the domino affect; one person late, and one by one, each subsequent appointment gets further and further away from the arranged start time. How inconsiderate of me!
As this little story ran through my head like a little ferret chasing a ball, I took a deep breath and said: "Relax. Now why is it exactly my problem? She (the facialist) is a professional. I doubt you are the first customer she has had who was late for an appointment. Her latter appointments are NOT your problem. Your job is to get to your destination in one piece without harming others on the road. Chill."
Whooosh. That feeling of shame and fear went away and I safely arrived at my destination. Andrea greeted me with a smile, showed me to my room and accepted my apologies without making a big deal. And the facial was great!
I wrote about this experience in an appreciation list and noted that this was pretty big for me. For as long as I could remember I have felt the need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't know exactly why I took on this super-human task and quite frankly don't care. What I care about is what I do NOW.
Ellie also noted this achievement from my list; this is when she mentioned co-creation. According to Ellie, I was not the only architect in this situation. Andrea was also building and creating this moment between us. To think, this sharing of creation is happening around us in all our dealings with others. Why didn't I think of that? Of course, if one's approach to life is to take responsibility for all that is wrong, I guess it is not too far-fetched to think I was fully responsible for the course in all of my interactions with other people.
This is something to think about more and observe as I trip along life. It is so funny how the simplest of things reveal such vast and profound meanings.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
School Daze
Ok, so have been talking about Appreciation Lists. How they are starting to subtly change my outlook and my world. As I was writing up yesterday's list my Jr. High music teacher, Mrs. Robare, popped up in my head. This woman is a pip! She is dynamic, funny, loud and brassy. All big hair, flowing dresses with high-heeled boots and 18 coats of mascara (no exaggeration, we asked!). She taught chorus and whether it was a class, a choir practice or a concert, she was standing at her piano, Jerry Lee Lewis-style, pounding on the keys, yelling and smiling like a crazy woman. She was the most amazing teacher.
The thing that struck me the most was that she CARED. She had command of any room she entered, she took no guff and she loved each and every one of us. Of course, she did not hold back when we were driving her nuts, but you knew she was in the right profession.
She picked great music too. She had a select choir, Swing Group, that you had to audition for. We even used "It Don't Mean a Thing (If it Ain't Got That Swing)" as a our theme song. She fostered an appreciation for melody, rhythm and form like no other music teacher (except for perhaps B, my High School band teacher - MAYBE). Being around you made you want to stand up straighter, look your best and SMILE!
I posted something about my appreciation for her on my Facebook update and I think that was the most popular update I have ever written (which, in reality, isn't saying too much since I don't write too many). Both former classmates and friends chimed in and it was so nice to initiate a bright little spot of good feeling in the world. Even better, one of my former classmates somehow knows one of her relatives and will pass on my comments to her. I really hope they make her smile. Compared to all the smiles she has given me, it is the least I can do.
The thing that struck me the most was that she CARED. She had command of any room she entered, she took no guff and she loved each and every one of us. Of course, she did not hold back when we were driving her nuts, but you knew she was in the right profession.
She picked great music too. She had a select choir, Swing Group, that you had to audition for. We even used "It Don't Mean a Thing (If it Ain't Got That Swing)" as a our theme song. She fostered an appreciation for melody, rhythm and form like no other music teacher (except for perhaps B, my High School band teacher - MAYBE). Being around you made you want to stand up straighter, look your best and SMILE!
I posted something about my appreciation for her on my Facebook update and I think that was the most popular update I have ever written (which, in reality, isn't saying too much since I don't write too many). Both former classmates and friends chimed in and it was so nice to initiate a bright little spot of good feeling in the world. Even better, one of my former classmates somehow knows one of her relatives and will pass on my comments to her. I really hope they make her smile. Compared to all the smiles she has given me, it is the least I can do.
Appreciation Lists
I have been working with Ellie Walsh, who is a teacher of the Law Of Attraction. I have known Ellie for a little over a year; she is loud, funny, a dynamo and I just love her. We met while taking the same psychic development class at Venture Inward in East Greenbush, NY. She has taught classes on the Law of Attraction and holds bi-monthly sessions at VI.
What is the Law of Attraction? It is a system of beliefs put forth by Esther and Jerry Hicks, who receive their information through a group of entities calling themselves Abraham. Essentially, your thoughts create your life. Positive, negative, every single thought is a building block of the life you live, at every minute. You want something, you will attract it. If you don’t want something, you will attract it. That’s the kicker that gets me every time.
I believe this stuff. I knew I could improve things in my life by applying this principle on a consistent basis. So that is when I contacted Ellie and began a one-on-one learning relationship with her. I talk to her on the phone once a week, email whenever the need arises and in general have access to her pool of knowledge and experience.
One of the first things she had me do was to create an Appreciation list. Initially I misheard her and was writing up Gratitude lists. I emailed them to her so that she could take a look at what was going on with me, what language I was using and what I was focusing on. It was funny, once she reiterated that they were Appreciation lists; when I relabeled them they became different animals. Gratitude felt like being grateful that I wasn’t living during the 1930’s Depression; appreciation gave me a feeling of openness, abundance and light.
So I have been writing up these lists almost every day. I send them to Ell and sometimes she comments on them, sometimes she doesn’t or comments on them during our phone sessions. I have become more disciplined about writing them; Ellie asked me why I was paying her if I didn’t use the tools she prescribed. Why wasn’t I? I was investing time and money into this, why not jump in full-throttle? I think part of it was that I thought that this simple task was something I could treat casually; I wanted all the good stuff! I wanted to be working at my dream job in a week, lose all the weight I wanted in a month and have all the money I ever wanted in three. Ellie kindly pointed out that writing these lists were essential to shifting my way of thinking; of appreciating what I did have, even if it wasn’t anything that on the surface I didn’t want. I had to fully appreciate something before I could change it. The list writing was the way to facilitate the brain-change. And dammit, she was right!!
My lists, at first, were pretty basic and short. I am appreciative of my boyfriend, my cats, my father’s health, the fact I had a job, etc. Then Ellie challenged me to expand upon them; why was I appreciative of this? And why not be appreciative not only of the fact that I have a car, but appreciate the people who designed and built it. The lists I began creating had more depth and started to open things up for me in my life. I started to look at things with a more gentle attitude and as a result I have been creating a more gentle life.
I have a phone session with Ellie tonight; I can’t wait! I’ll let you know how it goes!
What is the Law of Attraction? It is a system of beliefs put forth by Esther and Jerry Hicks, who receive their information through a group of entities calling themselves Abraham. Essentially, your thoughts create your life. Positive, negative, every single thought is a building block of the life you live, at every minute. You want something, you will attract it. If you don’t want something, you will attract it. That’s the kicker that gets me every time.
I believe this stuff. I knew I could improve things in my life by applying this principle on a consistent basis. So that is when I contacted Ellie and began a one-on-one learning relationship with her. I talk to her on the phone once a week, email whenever the need arises and in general have access to her pool of knowledge and experience.
One of the first things she had me do was to create an Appreciation list. Initially I misheard her and was writing up Gratitude lists. I emailed them to her so that she could take a look at what was going on with me, what language I was using and what I was focusing on. It was funny, once she reiterated that they were Appreciation lists; when I relabeled them they became different animals. Gratitude felt like being grateful that I wasn’t living during the 1930’s Depression; appreciation gave me a feeling of openness, abundance and light.
So I have been writing up these lists almost every day. I send them to Ell and sometimes she comments on them, sometimes she doesn’t or comments on them during our phone sessions. I have become more disciplined about writing them; Ellie asked me why I was paying her if I didn’t use the tools she prescribed. Why wasn’t I? I was investing time and money into this, why not jump in full-throttle? I think part of it was that I thought that this simple task was something I could treat casually; I wanted all the good stuff! I wanted to be working at my dream job in a week, lose all the weight I wanted in a month and have all the money I ever wanted in three. Ellie kindly pointed out that writing these lists were essential to shifting my way of thinking; of appreciating what I did have, even if it wasn’t anything that on the surface I didn’t want. I had to fully appreciate something before I could change it. The list writing was the way to facilitate the brain-change. And dammit, she was right!!
My lists, at first, were pretty basic and short. I am appreciative of my boyfriend, my cats, my father’s health, the fact I had a job, etc. Then Ellie challenged me to expand upon them; why was I appreciative of this? And why not be appreciative not only of the fact that I have a car, but appreciate the people who designed and built it. The lists I began creating had more depth and started to open things up for me in my life. I started to look at things with a more gentle attitude and as a result I have been creating a more gentle life.
I have a phone session with Ellie tonight; I can’t wait! I’ll let you know how it goes!
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